In-flight magazines and safety instructions

I flew to Auckland yesterday with Cathy and a lot of my best friends.  We flew to Auckland to be at the memorial service for another friend who died on 4 May in London.  I have written about the death of my friend recently, and I think that is enough on a blog like this. It was a very sad, and very “good” service.  It turns out that my dear friend, who taught me so much, still has things to teach me in his death about what is important in life and what isn’t.

But the death of a friend really is something for other places.


On the flight up there was the inevitable in-flight magazine and safety information.  I always read both because (a) there is not much else to do, and (b) safety information sheets fascinate me on modes of transport that happen to travel at hundreds of kilometres an hour at tens of thousands of feet in the air.  If cigarettes have to carry health warnings surely airplane safety sheets should carry caveats like: “Frankly, in the event of an emergency, you are probably totally and utterly f&%ked”.

Turns out the safety information board on Jetstar flights is awesome.

The mother here is pretty chilled, but I love the way the daughter is kind of mildly intrigued: “Oxygen masks.  Huh.  Interesting.  Wonder what’s up?”

Mild curiosity and amusement seems to be a theme:

This dude seems to be thinking: “This life jacket really brings out the blue in my eyes” OR “Is it just me or is there a sexual undertone here?”

Here, at least, we have some sense of the danger of the situation, although I totally feel that the air hostess is more rocking a cheerleader move rather than helping the dying passenger to her right.

Passenger:  “(cough) I have a phobia of inflatable slides (cough)”

Hostess: “Like, whatever.  Get down the slide dumb ass.”

It turned out that the in-flight magazine had a lot to offer too.

Let me tell you, as a fairly hirsute man, this ad had me a little worried.  Were the air hostesses going to come and grab me mid-flight, drag me into a toilet and shave me?  No, wait, I was safe, this was clearly a service they offered in first class.

Love the freedom.  Curious.  As if hair was a tyranny.  Terms and conditions also seems intriguing.  “You may not actually feel free once all your body hair has been lasered off”?  Or “Warning: Sweat running into eyes may cause stinging once eyebrows removed”?

Please note the words: BEST GIFT for the whole family.


Ok.  So, a few things.  I bet that if you gave this to your family at Christmas your kids would be pretty hacked off.  Secondly, speaking as a dude, the idea of water spraying up into my backside gives me no sense of a “gift”.  Finally, if you worked at The Bidet Shop what would you say at parties when people asked you what you did?

In a final twist to the in-flight magazine, a previous frequent flyer had left a business card tucked in between the pages.

On the back of this card it advised me to ask about Ivana Lush’s “deluxe” services.

I’m not one to offer advise to prostitutes, but I think Ivana needs to tan her upper breasts more.  Or not.  What would I know?

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8 thoughts on “In-flight magazines and safety instructions”

  1. Is Ivana posing on a glacier?

    “Frankly, in the event of an emergency, you are probably totally and utterly f&%ked”. Yes! I always think this when I fly — which is why I never pay attention to the flight safety instructions.

    I still don’t believe bidets actually exist. I mean, I saw them in hotels when I was in Europe but I thought they were part of a big elaborate joke.

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